I was reading one of those “Idiot’s Guide to Quantum Mechanics,” and learned that our entire known universe represents maybe only 1-2% of what’s actually out there. The rest is completely unseen, beyond the scope of any knowing, except to know that it’s there and really must be responsible for an awful lot of stuff that happens.
It was then that I realized that this “Dark Matter,” must be Jewish. I always knew there was something sinister out there, no matter what the optimists say: I mean if I hear one more person tell me to “look on the bright side” after disaster hits, that “there’s a blessing in all of this,” or that “its darkest just before the dawn,” I’m going to vomit.
I know there are generations of Midwestern grandmothers, who outfit their homes with phrases like those, plucked from the shelves of countless identical gift shops with their oh too cute stuffed animals, lace doilies and spiced tea. But my grandmother never said anything like that. She leaned more to phrases that translated roughly as “may a lampshade grow in his stomach,” or some such epithet. These incantations generally had one thing in common: One had to be extremely careful lest something terrible descend from the general threats that were always lurking about, unseen.
When that danger zeros in on you and suddenly you are caught in its laser scope, everyone wants you to keep your chin up. And while I think Michele Obama is totally cool, her admonition to keep positive and never give up really irks me. I mean happiness may be pretty wonderful but the damn pursuit drives me batty, especially when some creep has stolen your money, the bank is handing out bonuses and you’re in foreclosure, or your boss got a raise and you got fired. There’s all these support groups out there telling you to forgive your mother or father or boss, to just let go and move on, that you can’t change things until you change yourself. I already feel badly enough, now I’m supposed to get rid of my depression.
Whining is definitely underrated. When the world descends onto your head so it feels a little like an overdone pancake, the last thing you need is for someone to tell you to cheer up.
Maybe some maharishi gets his minions to visualize lightness and levitate, but what I’d like to see is a nationwide network of non-support groups where we all get together and complain. Now that would be progress. Imagine a receptive audience for all your woes. We could even have a competition for the worst story. We’ll give awards for one-downsmanship. The possibilities are limitless.
Tags: dark matter, jewish humor, jobs, jokes, unemployment, whining
